Anyway, why is it so difficult for us to give up on "traditions" (so to speak) that are so obviously bologna (thanks, Grandma H!) even after we've learned our lesson time and time again? When does it (if ever) become OK to retire the grand ol' past time of wishin' and hopin' and prayin'? When can we throw in the towel and say, "I gave it a good, honest effort and now it's time to move on"? What and who decides that it was a good, honest effort to begin with? I've been applying to anything and everything for the past 14 months and haven't gotten any offers. When can I say, "Just screw it!" and give up?! Hmm... Maybe AFTER my credit card, student loans, and back rent to my mother is paid off... So that's another, say, 30 years? Well, another 30 years IF I get a job oh say LAST YEAR! As is the cliche of life, IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!
I look at dozens of websites and every time I get to the log in page, I want to cry. I just want to bawl my eyes out like the newborn baby I feel like I really am. Tonight? I went down to the liquor cabinet and surrounded myself with about 10 bottles of liquor and contemplated how much of each one I could drink before I got sick. Big deal, for someone who rarely drinks. Every inch of me screamed, "BECOME AN ALCOHOLIC! THEN YOU'D HAVE AN EXCUSE TO BE POOR AND JOBLESS!" Then I'd have a legitimate excuse to feel guilty when my mom loses her house because she can't afford her payments. Sidenote: I realize it's not my responsibility to pay for her home, but she's given me money for so many things and I've paid back what I could but she's still out thousands of dollars- thousands of dollars of which could have gone towards house payments and bills. Not cool. What if she's homeless? What if she loses everything? She's already lost so much, it's just not fair for her to lose the one thing she has left.
I don't want a job so I can buy a fancy house, or a fancy car, or other fancy things. I want a job so I can make sure my mom isn't homeless. So I can make sure she's not miserable anymore. I can't stand waking up in the morning because I can't stand looking at her. I can't stand seeing her sad, beaten down, and defeated face. She even slumps when she walks now. She is such a small person emotionally that it has now officially made her a small person physically. And I can't help but think that if I made just $20,000 a year that would take the world off her shoulders. She's not the woman I knew ten years ago. And I know it's because of my father. But then again, if she really was that strong woman she was ten years ago, it probably wouldn't have phased her if my dad screwed her over again. She would have just pushed through it. Right? I know I wouldn't feel so guilty about her pain if I didn't have to see it and live through it everyday. Ignorance is bliss, after all.
I feel as though I failed her as a daughter. I failed her because I had this passion for 15 years and then it comes time to realize it, and suddenly that passion just disappears. I no longer want to do what I had my heart set on. So I'm lost. I finish a degree that I don't even want anymore. So I don't learn about the most effective ways to get a job in that industry. Which leads to a jobless, slacker, ghost version of me. People my age are getting amazing jobs. They're getting married, buying houses, having kids. They're growing up. And I'm stuck in this loop that just never ends. I just want to find passion again. Passion that leads to a job. Passion that leads to a job that leads to taking off unnecessary pressure thrown onto my mother.
And God help me, I just want to stop complaining!